Posts tagged Challenging Behavior
Pestering the Dogs, what's the missing skill there?

When Charlie was torturing the dogs for fun -- it was getting a little bit rough. Me constantly getting after him. The dogs constantly running/hiding. And him LOVING every second. 

Why? Why was he doing this behavior? Because he enjoys torturing animals??? NO. Because he likes to hurt dogs? No. It's because he was CURIOUS, and their reaction was new, different and exciting. 

So, no matter how many times I said no. Or put the dogs outside. Or moved him to a different room, the next time he had the opportunity, he took it.

What did he need support with -- to get the same function met without being inappropriate with the dogs?.

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Sibling Rivalry

So, I changed my response. Instead of being the referee. I was the coach. I went in thinking — they both think they are right, how can we problem solve. Instead of deciding who was right or wrong. 

I know they are young but they get along soooo well. He looks out for her & helps her. Sibling rivalry is real & being the coach instead of the referee is just one thing I talk about in my course on it. 

Wouldn’t you love to be a problem solving family instead of a rattle telling family?

Check out this online course on my website. Xolaurenpace.com/classes.

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Function: Hungry, Solution: PREVENT

Some kids wake up HAPPY (Maelie) and some kids struggle to wake up (Charlie). I KNOW this about Charlie... mornings are hard. If we have to go somewhere he can't be rushed. He really needs time to eat, get dressed and go through those transitions. Okay, so I learned this about my son. 

Do I "keep on keeping on" and "survive" this stage, it will pass? Or do I adjust things in his environment to make it more successful for him?! ding ding ding. We have a winner. 

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Marriage/Family Therapist Applying Xo Parenting Strategies

Sometimes it’s hard to get on the same parenting page. We all have different triggers, backgrounds and were raised by totally different parents. Because we come in with our own views of behavior and how we will discipline our kids… and because have our own temperaments in the mix… we aren’t always on the same page with positive parenting.

This is why I LOVE when couples come to my workshops or take my classes together.

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Extinction Bursts

Unfortunately, when the behavior gets worse in response to something new we are trying. It is called an extinction burst. And you have to keep being consistent. Or you’ll just have a million of them.

Example: child used to screaming to get show on in car. You tell him he can ask nicely, but if he screams you aren’t turning it on. *screaming* you don’t do it. *screaming intensifies* FINE! Watch your show. Here he was testing that limit and succeeded. Stay strong. A few hard days and then it’ll be better.

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Set the Boundary, then Teach

If your "boundary talk" before a challenging activity isn't working, then not enough to just say, okay "when we go to the park you need to play nice."

- Try explaining what it looks like to play nice

- Ask what if questions to prompt their problem solving brain

- Practice it

- Go with them into the activity, model and guide

- Help them where they are at, even if the other kids their don't need the same kind of support.

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Sibling Rivalry

Unfortunately, the way we respond to sibling conflict…

…can create resentment with us or with their brother or sister

…can enable them to become tattle-tellers instead of problem solvers

…can create hype around possessions

…can affect our relationships with your kids

…can communicate "you're wrong" or "I don't trust you"

So I started from square one.

  • I listed all potential functions.

  • I listed tons of prevention strategies.

  • I thought carefully about the missing skills & how to teach them.

  • And then, lastly, I organized responses (including the amazing safe place)

And then, upon success in reframing the way I deal with sibling conflict... I created a course. It's something I strive to use EVERY day in parenting my children, but also in conflict with cousins or friends. Using the framework for behavior I love, and know, and research and rave about.

The courses (tantrums & siblings) are valued over $115, but I want to make it accessible to parents, so my price is $35.

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